THE HOLY GUIDE TO COITAL POSITIONS

Posted on October 24, 2011 by

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While I was researching Napoleon’s Privates: 2500 Years of History Unzipped and The Sinner’s Grand Tour: A Journey Through the Historical Underbelly of Europe, the lore of medieval sex kept cropping up… and often in surprising ways.

Somehow the human race survived the Middle Ages, no mean feat when you consider how much literature was out there condemning sex.  Church thinkers like Saint Jerome announced that carnal relations were “filthy” even within the bounds of holy matrimony: “The wise man should love his wife with cool discretion,” Jerome opined, “not with hot desire… Nothing is nastier than to love your own wife as if she were your mistress.”  Intercourse for procreation was tolerable, the holy fathers begrudgingly admitted, but anyone who indulged in sex because they were in love or seeking physical pleasure was on a fast track to damnation.  In fact, this attitude eventually did lead the Church to legislate on the most intimate details of married life: In 1215, the cleric Johannes Teutonicus was the first to announce that there was only one “natural” coital position – what we today call “the missionary position,” a term that was coined in the 1960s – which was also optimal for conception.  Attempting any other position was a mortal sin, Johannes opined, involving exotic and unnecessary forms of stimulation.

The finest theologians soon began devoting a great deal of thought to which coital positions were more pleasurable – and thus more evil – and special handbooks were distributed to Church confessors.  Although not exactly the Kama Sutra, these summae confessorum described the offending positions and prescribed the penance for each one.  Alexander of Hales railed against coitus retro, the rear-entry position, as a mortal sin, for it was coupling “in the manner of brutes.”  St Albert the Great discussed in detail four other forbidden positions: lateral (side by side), seated, standing and anal sex. (Curiously, sodomy at this time was considered no worse if performed with a boy than a woman; it was not until 1533 in England that male-on-male “buggery” became a criminal offense).

The handbooks listed recommended penance of bread, water and abstinence for exotic congress.  A consensus on the punishments included the following:

Dorsal sex (woman on top): 3 years

Lateral, seated, standing: 40 days

Coitus retro – rear entry: 40 days

Mutual masturbation: 30 days

Inter-femural sex – ejaculation between the legs: 40 days

Coitus in terga – anal sex: 3 yrs. (with an adult) 2yrs. (with a boy) 7 years (habitual) 10 years (with a cleric)

Theologians were divided on the punishment for coitus interruptus, the withdrawal method that frustrated procreation, arguing for a penance of between two and ten years, while semenem in ore (semen in the mouth) could attract anywhere from three to fifteen years.  Pierre de La Padule added that sex during menstruation, sex in churches and sex preceded by kissing and fondling were almost as bad as the previously mentioned positions.  Masturbation was so common that it only incurred a ten day penalty for men and 30 days for monks, but women who used “erotic devices” did penance for one year.

By the 1400s, it seems, the Church had to give up on such detailed analyses, possibly because the congregation was beginning to get ideas.