MASTURBATE. Practice makes perfect. Learn to play and control your own instrument before you duet, or partake in any other number ensemble for that matter. When you masturbate, explore your deepest fantasies saying aloud whatever comes to mind. This will help you evolve in your own sexual self-awareness and also help you become more comfortable with yourself. If you use porn to masturbate regularly, try masturbating without porn as a mental exercise. You’ll be surprised where your imagination can take you.
Ladies: if you haven’t figured out how to achieve orgasm through masturbation, the likelihood is you won’t be able to with your partner either. Take as much time as you need to tease and drive yourself crazy before attempting to go for gold. Keep trying, keep practicing, you WILL get there. Besides, masturbation also burns calories, reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and calms aggression – which leads us to the next pointer …
DE-STRESS. When you’re relaxed, you’re more aware of your sexual energy and feel freer to respond sexually. Multiple studies over the past several years cite stress as the number one sex drive killer. Yet ironically, if you would just do it, sex actually decreases stress and releases endorphins that relax you. There are a plethora of stress-reducing activities that may work better for you than others. Some include yoga, exercise, meditation, masturbation, prayer, singing, painting, shopping, dancing, volunteering, writing, reading, wine, a spa day, or anything that utilizes creative energy. Whatever method(s) suits you best, prioritize time in your day to de-stress. Then when the moment comes, you’ll be ready to reap the benefit of even more relaxation that occurs naturally – after sex.
EXPAND YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX. It doesn’t have to be all about intercourse, nor should it be. BOR-ING! Oral sex, mutual masturbation sessions, holding and caressing each other, toys, erotic massage, and even a good make out sesh are all ways of exploring passionate and sexual feelings.
CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE. After all, variety is the spice of life. Sexuality can and should evolve just like all other aspects of your life. If you usually have sex in the evening, go for a nooner or have it in the morning. Grab a book from the MoSex bookstore and try out some new positions. Get physical somewhere new and different. If you’re not brave enough to try it in public, at least leave the bedroom; try the kitchen, under or atop the dining room table, on the stairs, the backyard, or anywhere else that could be fun and different. If you enjoy an occasional thrill, meet your lover for lunch then sneak away for some naughty fun in the bathroom of the restaurant – just don’t get caught!
DROP THE S-EXPECTATIONS. Media and porn can exaggerate our ideas and expectations of sex. Instead of focusing on meeting a goal, focus on having fun. Don’t compare your body or your sexuality to others; every one is different in their own beautiful way and every one enjoys different aspects of sex. We are ever evolving creatures, and so should be our sexualities. Seek to love and appreciate these differences in your partner(s) as you evolve both individually and as lovers. Stop being so hard on yourself (no pun intended). Learn to accept and appreciate all aspects of your body, even those that might make you uncomfortable. We’re not all porn stars, we’re not all models, and no one is perfect – especially not in the bedroom. Most importantly, remember – sex is about the journey, not the destination.
SENSE OF HUMOR. Queefs happen. Gas happens. Blood happens. Loss of erection happens. Shit happens. No, seriously!!!! If you’ve been lucky enough never to have experienced something surprising or downright embarrassing during sex, then maybe you just aren’t having enough sex. Don’t let these little moments bother you. Make a joke about it, stay humble obviously, but laugh it off!! Besides, giggling and laughter are great building blocks for intimacy. Life is just too short to get hung up on the stuff that happens to ALL of us at one point or another.
TALK. Talk about sex with your friends, family, therapist, life coach, or whomever you feel secure discussing it with; you’ll never become more comfortable with yourself nor the subject matter if you cannot openly discuss it with someone else. It certainly helps if that someone has a great sense of humor. I know this first hand because I have a multitude of clients – men and women, gay, bi, and straight – who utilize me just for that purpose. The more comfortable you are with discussing it, the more comfortable you will become with yourself, and therefore, the more you are able to evolve in your own sexual self-awareness.
TAKE ACTION. Action precedes motivation. If you wait around until you’re in the mood to work out, chances are, you won’t. But if you just get off your bum and do it even when you don’t feel like it, your endorphins get pumping and you feel twice as good than when you were being a couch potato. The same rings true for sex: Action precedes desire. If you wait around until you’re in the mood, your sex life will suffer. Try reading a dirty novel, watching an erotic movie, or simply caressing yourself or your lover – even if you’re not exactly in the mood. You’ll be surprised at how quickly that switch can turn on if you simply take action. Once you’re back in the practice of regular sex, you’ll be amazed at how naturally your sex drive will increase.
COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER. It doesn’t matter if it’s a one-night stand or your lover of many years: if they’re doing something you don’t like or something you really like, let them know. Just do it in a loving and gentle manner. Try body language at first if you’re worried about hurting someone’s ego. For example, if your partner is rubbing something that starts to feel more aggravating than pleasurable, try moving his or her fingers from one part of your body to another. Hopefully he or she will pick up on the cues, but if that fails, SPEAK UP. Do not be afraid to tell your lover to stop doing something you don’t like; likewise, don’t be afraid to ask your lover to keep doing something you do like. Human beings are not mind readers. There is NO reason to put yourself through anything you don’t enjoy.
ATTITUDE. Regardless of all else mentioned here, a great attitude toward yourself, sex, and your partner is by far the number one most important characteristic of ensuring a positive, fun, healthy sex life. There is nothing sexier than being with a person who enjoys sex for the wonderful journey it is. If you allow your insecurities, cultural constructs, or others’ views, definitions, and expectations of you or your sexuality negatively seep into your psyche, it will sour your attitude and devolve your sex life. If you embrace sex with a fearless excitement and appreciation of it and your partner(s), you will have a great sex life and sexual evolution.
Cheers to a happy and healthy sexual evolution in 2012!!!